Saturday, April 9, 2011

Lobby sitters.

People don't like to be hit in the face with a skateboard. Or even, charged at with a telephone poised to strike at their head.

I find that people who apply at my place of employment need to know that these things may or may not happen. It is my duty as Office Manager/Administrative Assistant to make clear of these...potential happenings. As a people person and a humanity loving citizen of Earth.

Okay, I'm not either of those things. Applicants make me cringe. New people that I am not accustomed too. With their odd scents and labored breathing.

I don't like them sitting in the lobby, staring at my desk as they calculate the best way to ask a stupid question. It is lost on me, that no matter how much thought they put into wording it, the question always comes out of their gaping mouths sounding like ignorant garbage.

But instead, with my powers of control and tolerance. I listen to their nonsense and smile weakly.

Them: So, you help people with disabilities? That's really awesome.

Me: No. I don't help them. I work here, behind this desk. Providers, possibly you, work with them to reach goals and such.

Them: Oh. So, uh, what goals do you teach them?

Me: I don't teach them anything.

Them: Well you said that..

Me: If you could somehow find it in yourself to word your questions in a way that makes me not want to strangle you with that god awful t-shirt your wearing, then I will be happy to make you more knowledgeable of the job you have no chance of ever landing.

Them: Uh. Do you...uh..I mean do...what does this place do?

I haven't harmed or set fire to anyone yet. But it is fast approaching. I can feel it crawling under my skin. The need to harm the human race.

One of the reasons I point out the rare but violent outburst of some of our clients is the need to scare away the weak and strenghten the resolve in those who know what the job is and find some misplaced happiness in actually helping others.

But the majority of the reason that I will tell someone they may be slapped on their first day of work is to watch in psychotic fascination as they squirm in their seats acting like what I just said was completely normal.

Most people, when you tell them something random and possibly terrible, will pretend that what you've told them is something they hear everyday. They do this out of fear.

I live for the fear.


  1. You helping people? God save us all!
    I would like to know where I can apply please?
    I love lobby sitting.

  2. I love your style of writing. I can relate to this piece, I was once a "provider" really a "job coach" to people with disabilities, and oh boy do we get stupid questions in the field.
    I'm glad I found your blog. :)

  3. I sent you an award and see that you already have it, so slap me.

  4. That was funny.

    I gave you a shout-out on my blog today. :)