Sunday, May 30, 2010

No, I'm actually not dead.

So, here I am. The world's biggest losery blogger. I am tryin' folks...really trying.
Don't you have times when you feel like a giant marshmallow, jammed packed with syrup, clinging to hope like it was your last chance at a sandwich, with nothing really to offer to the world? yeah, me too.


Well, enough of my whining. Time to talk about progress...mine mostly. That monkey up there knows what I'm talking about.


I have had an epiphany ! That's right, me. I was shocked too. And no it wasn't the Red Bulls or Doritos fusing together to form a hallucinating affect....it really happened. Remember that new idea for a book I was telling you about in between my suicide attempts and bouts of depression?
Well, I've been writing it for a month now and guess what? I haven't wanted to set myself on fire!

I actually sit down to write it and I can. What's more...is I'm not thinking. I have actually beat my brain into submission and it has completely shut up. Sure, I wish I could do that to everyone I want to keep their holes closed..but this will work.

I am a machine. I don't think. I follow an outline (with a few unplanned ideas here and there). I type. I hear see the characters. There is a weird underworldly ghost in chapter three that smells like garbage and likes turkey legs....and I love him. So just so you know..I'm not dead. I still love you, but it's not you it's me.

I will be checking up on what I missed throughout the day.


I want you to know there is a hole in my life when you're not around!
Hugs and all that crap.
Asta, Friends!

Monday, May 17, 2010

Back from the Tomb...

Hey Bloggy bloggers!

Somewhere in the midst of two weeks I lost all focus. It's like my brain was violently torn from my skull by some ancient Egyptian curse, then carried away into the afterlife to be used as a hemorrhoid pillow for Satan's ass.

I lost all the will to write, to blog, to do anything but watch Two and Half Men and eat lunch meat right out of the pack.

Has that ever happened to you? Go through a phase of a pointless-weight-gaining syndrome where you can take your dreams or leave them? The air so thick with depression that you actually gag out and throw up in your mouth?

Well it happened to me. It was disgusting, it was odd....I'm pretty sure that smell of sour ham was coming from my hair.

BUT TODAY, I had 4 sugar-caked donuts, 2 rockstars and I'm about to eat something else loaded with carbs as soon as I sniff it out....which means someone is going to be missing some change soon.

The whole point of this is to apologize for not reading your blogs or blogging at all.
You must know by now that I am an nut case capable of bouts of insanity at the drop of a dime or donut...or anything else that can get clogged in your arteries.

HOWEVA, I'm going to be writing this week. I even scheduled it in my calender. If you're not writing, you're waiting..so that makes me a waiter. And I hate serving food.

I want to be a writer dammit. So I'm back on the train...creativity is seeping through my pores. My characters are whispering promises they don't intend to keep. Out there somewhere is an agent feeling empty and hollow, they don't know why, they aren't sure what their purpose is anymore.....what they don't know, is that hollow place in their soul is a space only I can fill with my literary talents and sharp wit.

I have to save them....I have to make a difference. If only to save that agent from doing something they will regret. Creating a ripple effect that will ultimately ruin their lives and cause them to lose all of their hair.

I will set you free! Oh, literary agent who yearns for my unique words and plot lines! Your time has come.....

See, I knew I had a purpose. Somewhere under the layers these layers of chub and sarcastic defensive system lurks a best seller...an agent saver....a super hero.


Now, where's that sugar?

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Mothers Day!!! Happy Happy Joy Joy!


I hope all of you have a wonderfully relaxing Mother's Day today! Even those of you who aren't mothers, because let's face it, you never know when its going to happen and you're going to need to rest up.


Just remember when you think no one is watching, when you think you're going to pull out your hair or run away to some random island where you'll never do laundry again...remember that you're awesome and everything would fall apart without you.


Your family would be street rats wearing lion cloths and eating garbage scraps without you.


They would lose the house.


The electric would get shut off.


And your husband would be a mumbling idiot.


Chaos and darkness would ensue without you, because your awesome. You're a mom.


By far, the toughest most thankless job in the world.


Today is your day...make someone rub your feet because dammit..tomorrow you've got work to do!



HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!!


LOTS OF LOVE TO ALL OF YOU!


Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Writing something new..

I've started chapter outlines for my new masterpiece because to tell you the truth..although I've attempted to outline in the past I've never actually completed one. (big surprise) I should change my blog title to "Lazy Pile of Un-accomplishment"


But here's the thing. I have all these WIPs and I can't seem to get through one. I'm not sure why or if maybe I have a defective brain but I tend to drop off every single one a quarter of the way through. I must say though, I have learned alot from these flops of mine. The unfinished wips haunting my self esteem with a raging vengeance...and believe me they do. No matter what I do I can't seem to force myself to going back and writing them. It's like they stole my money or kicked my dog...it's like we aren't friends anymore. I take breaks, I have mental pep-rallies, I sing myself songs of encouragement....and I still can't go back to those wips.
And no, I'm not a good singer.


Luckily, I'm having a serious allergy infestation and I couldn't even write today if someone came into this office and threatened to beat me with a toilet seat...

My head feels like someone hollowed out a bowling ball, filled it with cemented jello and set it on fire with a blow torch. Yeah, not writing. Not today.

So, hence forth....I am outlining chapters for this new idea of mine. Nothing big, just small insignificant descriptions. Maybe my other WIPS were learning tools. Since I'm just starting out it could be that I needed those stepping stones to get going..to learn how I write..to realize what my voice is or could be. I am certain that one day the disappointment of so much unfinished work will drive me deep into the chasm of insanity and pain but until then.....chapter outlines...and a heavy over dose of Claritin.



What about you, do you have "stepping stone" wips that never got finished but helped you to learn your craft?