Tuesday, June 1, 2010

80? Me, no way!

Right now I'm wearing a long strapless red gown, slit up my pasty, yet attractive thigh. Its sequins are glittering in the glow of a dim light bulb. My hair is wrapped in a frizzy bun with with toddler butterfly clips. I can feel the weight of mascara pulling my eye lids down onto the chubby cushions of my cheeks. I have never felt so beautiful and so disturbed at the same time.

In my un-manicured hand, donning my newest chewed index fingers I hold a half empty Mountain Strawberry Suave shampoo bottle pretending its an award, and even though the flip-flops are throwing off the whole ensemble I can ignore it because....I HAVE 80 FOLLOWERS!




No. Freaking.Way.





There are allot of things I have accomplished in my life. (well, not really, but just go with it.) But this rules them all. This almost wipes out all the sordid black marks on my lifes record.

Not once did I think I would have 80 random strangers want to hear or read rather, to anything I have to say. Because lets face it, most of the time, even though my height is jarring and the way I saunter down the office halls like an x-assassin who just joined a prison football team...people tend to steer clear of the shadow I cast. "Will she help me with this application, or will she scalp me and grow a cactus in my skull?"

But this...this proves that I am not a test tube baby sent from the Mercury to kill and destroy the dreams of others with sarcastic comments and uninterested stares...


I know what I am, and I am certainly not worth 80 bitchin' people so this is a f'ing great day! Considering the prior 27 years of my seemingly pointless journey through time filled with the screams of small childern and piles of laundry that now haunt my every waking moment.


Thanks to all of you who care enough to be here. Even if you pass through on a whim and read two or three sentences... I love you and I want to have your babies.


Well, no I don't. Kids are too much work and one us has to act responsible.


Nevertheless, thank you for being here. And if no one has told you lately, you look like you've lost weight and yes, that hat was the best purchase you ever made!





On a side note, when I'm rich and famous..rolling around on beds of crispy new Benjamin's I will send you all a giant basket filled with locks of my hair and smalls jars filled with tiny amounts of my fat after I get lipo with my new fortune..

Don't throw up, I was only kidding.




Or I'll just send you all an email telling you that because you're awesome...you have made me awesome.





Or I could go to bed now and stop talking crazy.





I love you all! Thanks for getting my lowly Blog to 80 followers!!


And if I'm not following you, let me know..because I want too!





THANK YOU AGAIN! I AM SO GRATEFUL TO HAVE YOU ALL HERE!

8 comments:

  1. You're following me. And I'm happy to be following you. And with your wit and clever banter, you'll have plenty of followers in the future as well.

    And yes, I'll take some of that lipo-suctioned fat and a bottle of that shampoo... oh wait, those aren't giveaways!? Well, never mind.

    :)

    CD

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  2. WOO HOO!!

    *huggles OfficeGirl*

    WE'RE IN THIS FOR LIFE, KID.

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  3. Yay! I always love your posts. Congrats and I'm behind you all the way. Okay, I'm back there somewhere. I'll wave my hand so you can see me. ;)

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  4. YIPPEE! We're happy to be here, of course. I always love reading your posts!

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  5. You should get more followers! You're a charm to read! Anyway, should I email you a list of what I want for when you become rich and famous? ;p

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  6. Anyone who can write a post this scary funny deserves a heck of lot more followers! Loved the "Will she help me with this application, or will she scalp me and grow a cactus in my skull?"

    Where do you come up with this stuff???

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  7. I have an award for you over on my blog. Hope your weekend is awesome!

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