Saturday, March 13, 2010

Without My Cigarettes

If I were in a plane wreck..yes, a plane wreck, let's say for imagination's sake that I was flying to ohhh I don't know..Rome..but then the plane malfunctioned and crashed into a remote island infested with mutated coconuts, the only thing I would care to have is a pack, no, a carton of cigarettes. I would smoke them one by one and wait for impending doom. Hey, super models don't eat, they smoke. They are perfectly fine...but I wouldn't want one of them with me, don't get me wrong. My point being is that I would choose cigarettes as a means for survival. Think of it like this..
You eat...then you smoke.
You're insanely angry...then you smoke.
You have to pay property taxes..then you smoke.
You realize your manuscript is a tangled mess that possibly you are the only one on earth that will appreciate smoke.
Someone just put a stack of employee files on your desk to thoroughly audit...wait I need to smoke first.

It is the perfect extension of emotions to which I am grateful. Sure, I'm going to age faster, my voice with wither and become raspy but hopefully in a sexy Lindsey Lohan sort of way. This is my blog post to praise my cigarettes. Thank you for being there when no one else was. If you were a man I would marry you...then years later resent you for ruining my life...which is how most romances end. NEVERTHELESS, you are my friend that I am intensely appreciative of.

Now I must go home. I am at my mothers house and needless to say I have grown weary of the company of eyeless dogs and strange smells... It is a pleasant mixture of vodka and darkness. Perfect for a writer...hmm..maybe I should come over more often.
Alas, I have a mound of something to do. Of that I am sure.


  1. omg im still laughing.

    you are very funny.

    i abhor cigarettes. but you are very, very funny.

    i really hope you do get a book published very soon.

    best of luck!

  2. Mom told me to read this one! And again hilarious! I said mom you know she uses life as humor cause life is funny....Now I wish I had a cigarette...LOL

  3. You are so darkly hilarious! Capture that in your manuscript and you've got it made.